Topic Guide — Friendship trouble, dating trouble, and the patterns underneath both

The situation

A student is in a relationship — friend, romantic partner, family member, friend group — that isn’t working. Maybe they can’t tell whether the relationship is normal-rough or actually-harmful. Maybe they know it’s wrong but don’t know how to leave. Maybe they’re the friend everyone leans on and it’s eating them alive. Maybe the conflict keeps repeating and nobody seems to notice it’s the same conflict.

The patterns underneath friendship trouble and dating trouble are mostly the same patterns. The series treats them in two books: Relationship Skills handles the substantive interpersonal material, including the highest-stakes safety content; Communication Skills handles the conversational mechanics — how to actually have the hard conversations. Both by RJ Barranco.

Critical safety note up front

If a student is in a relationship that involves physical violence, threats, coercion, controlling behavior, sextortion, or sexual pressure — communication-skills work is not the right intervention. The right intervention is professional help and, often, leaving safely. Relationship Skills Ch 7 names this directly and routes to:

• loveisrespect (teen and young-adult dating) — text LOVEIS to 22522 or call 1-866-331-9474
• National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-800-799-7233
• RAINN (sexual assault) — 1-800-656-HOPE
• NCMEC CyberTipline (sextortion / image-based abuse) — report.cybertip.org or 1-800-843-5678
• Take It Down (image removal) — takeitdown.ncmec.org
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — call or text 988

A trusted adult in the student’s life is also a first-call resource. Relationship Skills includes “if you really can’t tell a parent” fallback pathways throughout.

The fast answer

If you only have time for one chapter: Relationship Skills, Chapter 2 — The Energy-Draining Friend Test. It teaches the single most useful read for any relationship: is the energy reciprocal over time, or is one person consistently extracting and the other consistently giving? Once a student can name which dynamic they’re in, the rest of the decisions become easier.

The fuller picture

For “is this friendship actually healthy?”

• Relationship Skills Ch 1 (The Emotional Backpack Test) — what are you carrying after spending time with this person? Lighter or heavier?
• Relationship Skills Ch 2 (The Energy-Draining Friend Test) — reciprocal vs. episodic-imbalance vs. chronically extractive.
• Relationship Skills Ch 8 (Friend Group Politics) — friend groups as systems, in-group / out-group dynamics, unspoken rules.

For “the conflict keeps happening and nobody fixes it”

• Communication Skills Ch 10 (Fight Smart, Not Dirty) — VCT (Validate-Clarify-Translate), “I” statements, the practical mechanics of having a conflict without making it about who’s a worse person. Includes an explicit off-ramp section for conflicts that aren’t conflicts — they’re abuse.
• Relationship Skills Ch 3 (The Family Drama Detector) — recurring family scripts and how to refuse to play your assigned role.
• Relationship Skills Ch 6 (The Truth Ray) — specific honesty that lands vs. vague honesty that doesn’t.

For “I want to set a boundary but I don’t know how”

• Relationship Skills Ch 4 (The Force Field) — boundaries as permeable structures, not walls; what to let in, what to keep out, how to communicate the difference.
• Relationship Skills Ch 11 (The Guilt Buster) — telling guilt-as-information from guilt-as-manipulation. Especially useful when boundary-setting triggers guilt-tripping from the other person.

For “I’m dating someone and something feels off but I can’t name it”

• Relationship Skills Ch 7 (Dating Without Drama) — the highest-density safety chapter in the series. Affection vs. love-bombing. Early-stage coercive control. The “breakups are the highest-risk moment” reality. Affirmative consent. LGBTQ+ inclusivity. Trans-specific safety patterns. Read before assigning; have school counselor in the loop.

For “social media is making the relationship harder”

• Relationship Skills Ch 9 (Social Media Boundaries) — sextortion (with NCMEC / Take It Down / FBI guidance), cyberbullying, algorithmic distortion of friendships. Explicitly names elevated risk for closeted LGBTQ+ teens.

For “I want to leave but I don’t know how”

• Relationship Skills Ch 10 (The GPS Check) — quarterly relationship audits; recognizing the drift into a relationship you wouldn’t have agreed to up front.
• Relationship Skills Ch 7 (Dating Without Drama) — the leaving-safely material, paired with the breakups-are-the-highest-risk-moment statistical reality.

For “I want to have the hard conversation but I don’t know how to start”

• Communication Skills Ch 1 (Vibe Check Before You Wreck) — reading whether the moment is right before opening.
• Communication Skills Ch 7 (Listen Like You Actually Care) — three levels of listening; reflecting emotions; not interrupting.
• Communication Skills Ch 14 (Recovery Mode) — what to do after a conversation goes sideways.

Discussion-starter for the adult in the room

• “After you spent time with [person] last, what was in your emotional backpack? Lighter or heavier?”
• “What’s the pattern in this — what keeps repeating?”
• “If a friend told you what you’re telling me, what would you tell them to do?”

You’re not trying to push a particular outcome. You’re trying to help the student see the pattern they’re inside. The student is the one who has to act on it.

Part of the free educational resources for the YA Nonfiction Skills series at skillsforyoungadults.org. Use, adapt, and share freely for non-commercial educational purposes.